A few more days and it's Christmas. Do I hear a whoot! whoot! Not from my room. Why should I be excited for something that I don't feel a part of anymore. I am the outsider waiting for permission to come see my family. I don't want to be a burden or a nuisance. I would like to be wanted to be loved. To not have to schedule a time where I am accepted to be with my friends and family.
Don't get me wrong I want my boys to have the memories of the Christmas holidays with my family. I just wish it could be different. So as I have tried to cope with the loss of my boys, and my husband this holiday I am trying to concentrate on Christ. I know that without Him I have no hope of filling in enough of the gaps torn from my heart that I may be successful as a Daughter of God.
The song "Do You Have Room?" has touched my heart greatly this Christmas season as I am trying to change my priorities so that I may have more room for the Savior in my life. That I maybe able to let Him in and heal my wounded heart. Then I will be in a place in my life where hopefully I may help others through my story. Then maybe this illness, the loss of my boys, and the crumbled relationship of my husband will some how (if possible) be worth it.
So am I happy this holiday season. The truth.....no, but I am grateful to have the hope that one day it will be different. That I will find joy once again.
3 comments:
Yes!! It is always a choice. Sometimes a very difficult one unfortunately. Just keep praying! I love you. :)
I agree. Always a choice. And we love you...we're not trying to keep you from family experiences. :)
I loved this thought this morning from one of my favorite blogs. Check it out. http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/2010/12/note-to-those-of-you-who-hurt-hold-on.html
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