Life has definitely been a roller coaster ride these last four years. I cant believe that today Caden is turning 6. its amazing what little i remember when he was born. that is the one thing that i hate the most about having those stupid treatments is forgetting so much of my little boys lives when i did have them. i imagine one day having them ask me about when they were born and when they first walked. I remember so little it breaks my heart. Especially little Hyrum. Oh how I miss them. I'm so grateful that I know they are in good hands. I wish they could feel how much I love them and cant wait for the day to see them again. I dont regret giving them a better chance at life but there isn't a day that goes by that I wish that I could have been a bigger part of that life.
So today I'm going to write about what I remember of Caden's birth so that hopefully I can continue to remember those precious few moments that I had with him. I started my labor pains at mom and dads home saturday Nov. the 6th. Daniel and I still had one more big account to clean before we were done working for the day. I dont remember if I told Daniel that I had started my contractions at this point. Anyways we went to clean a church in ogden that we cleaned weekly. It was a hard account because it was always so filthy, though it was rewarding because we could really see the results after we were finished. As we cleaned the contractions got worse and worse. I tried to deal with it myself and tried to breath calming hoping that we could finish cleaning before it got too bad. Things dont quite happen as they are planned though Caden was good to us. Daniel was able to finish cleaning while i walked around doing the breathing technics that I had practiced so faithfully. By the time Daniel finished mopping I was ready to go to the hospital. We stopped at home quickly and picked up my bags, called Dr. Ahlstrom and went to the Davis Hospital.
I dont remember much after this. I know I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't endure the pains of labor on my own and got an epidoral. Caden was having a little problem getting enough air while I was contracting and it made my Dr. nervous. I remember much but a lot of pressure and trying to push. Holding my breath so long i would get dizzy. With the help from a vacuum little Caden came out screaming. He always had good lungs. :)
I remember the shock I felt when they laid him on my stomach. He was finally here and I was scared to death. Everything that I had been reading for months now on how to care for a baby seemed to slip my mind. Eventually it worked out though. I got out of the hospital as soon as I could. Caden was healthy and I was really sore but doing well. We paid cash with Caden and didn't want to rack up any higher of a bill. Thankfully we had saved and was able to pay it off before Caden was a month old.
What an amazing day! I hope that I never forget. I may forget the details but I remember well the feelings that I had that day. I held a son of God in my arms. God was trusting me with this beautiful child. I did not want to disappoint my God and my sweet little Caden. Oh things are sooooo different from what I imagined my Caden's life to be. I miss him terribly. To know that he is still alive and out there smiling is bitter sweet. I am sooooooo grateful that the Lord gave me the strength to keep my adorable boys safe but at the same time how I wish I could hold them and kiss them. Hear them laugh and say I love you Mom!
I will never be the mom to Caden and Hyrum that I so dearly wanted to be. But I do love them with all my heart. My prayers and thoughts are always with them. I am trying so hard to become someone that they will not be embarrassed to know was their mom for a few short years. I wish them all the happiness in the world. I'm sorry I cant be there for them now. When I lay down at night I like to imagine them sleeping next to me in bed. Cuddled up with their blankets and having fabulous dreams of catching crickets, frogs, and grasshoppers. Playing in the sunlight happy and innocent. I hope that these dreams and images in my mind are a real life experience for Caden and Hyrum.
To my Caden Daniel and to my Hyrum Thomas. I love you! I love you more then I have words to express! I pray for your happiness and strength. I will never forget your smiles and your hugs. The last day that I saw you Caden I was crying as I hugged you goodbye. You asked me why I was whinning. Even when my heart was being shattered you were able to make me smile. Thank you Caden for the joy that you have brought into my life.
And sweet Hyrum when I picture you I see you as you were trying to run as fast as you could into my arms when I came to see you. Your feet were not able to run as fast as you wanted and I caught you before you fell. Oh you are precious. I am so so sad that I can not hold you and catch you now.
I love you my dear boys!
Love always,
Lacey Rae Roberts
No comments:
Post a Comment