Do You Have Room? (New Christmas Song)

Am I supposed to be happy.....

A few more days and it's Christmas. Do I hear a whoot! whoot! Not from my room. Why should I be excited for something that I don't feel a part of anymore. I am the outsider waiting for permission to come see my family. I don't want to be a burden or a nuisance. I would like to be wanted to be loved. To not have to schedule a time where I am accepted to be with my friends and family.

Don't get me wrong I want my boys to have the memories of the Christmas holidays with my family. I just wish it could be different. So as I have tried to cope with the loss of my boys, and my husband this holiday I am trying to concentrate on Christ. I know that without Him I have no hope of filling in enough of the gaps torn from my heart that I may be successful as a Daughter of God.

The song "Do You Have Room?" has touched my heart greatly this Christmas season as I am trying to change my priorities so that I may have more room for the Savior in my life. That I maybe able to let Him in and heal my wounded heart. Then I will be in a place in my life where hopefully I may help others through my story. Then maybe this illness, the loss of my boys, and the crumbled relationship of my husband will some how (if possible) be worth it.

So am I happy this holiday season. The truth.....no, but I am grateful to have the hope that one day it will be different. That I will find joy once again.

Joshua 1:5-9

I have found my new favorite sticks. (at least for the moment anyways.) It is right after the great prophet Moses as died and Joshua is to take his place. God is speaking to Joshua giving him comfort. I am no Joshua, never will be. But I took great comfort in the fact that God will always be with me just like He was with Moses.

Also that I am commanded to be strong and of great courage. Right now I need to be more than ever before. The holidays are a definite downer for me. I'm trying new things to help make things a little more pleasant for me but haven't found anything yet. I need courage and strength to get out of bed these days. To go to work and face all the beautiful families Christmas shopping. The kids so excited for Santa to come and the parents making threats of if your naughty santa wont... I miss enjoying the holidays and having a reason to shop and be excited to watch the kids enthusiasium while opening their presents Christmas morning. I am commanded to have strength and courage, to do the best I can. I will try with all that I have and have faith that the Lord will help me with the rest. :)

Few things Im grateful for.

1. Rain-x and Defrost
2. Beenies
3. Chapstick
4. Icy Hot
5. Pictures
6. Sticks
7. The TRUE meaning of Christmas.
8. Happy older people
9. Ice chips
10. 5 senses

10 Things I Hate About Black Friday

1. Being at work for over 10 hrs.
2. Not getting a lunch until 9pm
3. Traffic! It took me almost an hour and a half to get home.
4. Parking! Really people be conciderate and park in between the lines.
5. Having to wait an hour in line while needed to use the restroom the whole time. (your dancing its so bad) and then when you get to the bathrooms you have to wait in Another line!
6. You usually only get half of what you wanted to get in the first place.
7. Rude customers.
8. Hello people you have been in line for an hour Have you check already written out!!
9. Yes people there are security items on valuables. Psst.... We hear you when before you even reach the doors!
10. So what happened to the Christmas Spirit!!!

Have I mentioned that I HATE roller coater rides!

Life has definitely been a roller coaster ride these last four years. I cant believe that today Caden is turning 6. its amazing what little i remember when he was born. that is the one thing that i hate the most about having those stupid treatments is forgetting so much of my little boys lives when i did have them. i imagine one day having them ask me about when they were born and when they first walked. I remember so little it breaks my heart. Especially little Hyrum. Oh how I miss them. I'm so grateful that I know they are in good hands. I wish they could feel how much I love them and cant wait for the day to see them again. I dont regret giving them a better chance at life but there isn't a day that goes by that I wish that I could have been a bigger part of that life.

So today I'm going to write about what I remember of Caden's birth so that hopefully I can continue to remember those precious few moments that I had with him. I started my labor pains at mom and dads home saturday Nov. the 6th. Daniel and I still had one more big account to clean before we were done working for the day. I dont remember if I told Daniel that I had started my contractions at this point. Anyways we went to clean a church in ogden that we cleaned weekly. It was a hard account because it was always so filthy, though it was rewarding because we could really see the results after we were finished. As we cleaned the contractions got worse and worse. I tried to deal with it myself and tried to breath calming hoping that we could finish cleaning before it got too bad. Things dont quite happen as they are planned though Caden was good to us. Daniel was able to finish cleaning while i walked around doing the breathing technics that I had practiced so faithfully. By the time Daniel finished mopping I was ready to go to the hospital. We stopped at home quickly and picked up my bags, called Dr. Ahlstrom and went to the Davis Hospital.

I dont remember much after this. I know I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't endure the pains of labor on my own and got an epidoral. Caden was having a little problem getting enough air while I was contracting and it made my Dr. nervous. I remember much but a lot of pressure and trying to push. Holding my breath so long i would get dizzy. With the help from a vacuum little Caden came out screaming. He always had good lungs. :)

I remember the shock I felt when they laid him on my stomach. He was finally here and I was scared to death. Everything that I had been reading for months now on how to care for a baby seemed to slip my mind. Eventually it worked out though. I got out of the hospital as soon as I could. Caden was healthy and I was really sore but doing well. We paid cash with Caden and didn't want to rack up any higher of a bill. Thankfully we had saved and was able to pay it off before Caden was a month old.

What an amazing day! I hope that I never forget. I may forget the details but I remember well the feelings that I had that day. I held a son of God in my arms. God was trusting me with this beautiful child. I did not want to disappoint my God and my sweet little Caden. Oh things are sooooo different from what I imagined my Caden's life to be. I miss him terribly. To know that he is still alive and out there smiling is bitter sweet. I am sooooooo grateful that the Lord gave me the strength to keep my adorable boys safe but at the same time how I wish I could hold them and kiss them. Hear them laugh and say I love you Mom!

I will never be the mom to Caden and Hyrum that I so dearly wanted to be. But I do love them with all my heart. My prayers and thoughts are always with them. I am trying so hard to become someone that they will not be embarrassed to know was their mom for a few short years. I wish them all the happiness in the world. I'm sorry I cant be there for them now. When I lay down at night I like to imagine them sleeping next to me in bed. Cuddled up with their blankets and having fabulous dreams of catching crickets, frogs, and grasshoppers. Playing in the sunlight happy and innocent. I hope that these dreams and images in my mind are a real life experience for Caden and Hyrum.

To my Caden Daniel and to my Hyrum Thomas. I love you! I love you more then I have words to express! I pray for your happiness and strength. I will never forget your smiles and your hugs. The last day that I saw you Caden I was crying as I hugged you goodbye. You asked me why I was whinning. Even when my heart was being shattered you were able to make me smile. Thank you Caden for the joy that you have brought into my life.

And sweet Hyrum when I picture you I see you as you were trying to run as fast as you could into my arms when I came to see you. Your feet were not able to run as fast as you wanted and I caught you before you fell. Oh you are precious. I am so so sad that I can not hold you and catch you now.


I love you my dear boys!

Love always,
Lacey Rae Roberts

A Roberts Again!

Well this week is the first week after seven and a half years to being a Roberts girl again. Too bad I couldn't get rid of the Roberts booty :) I have found it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride this week. I feel relieved that it is over and that I will no longer be manipulated my Daniel any longer. Dont get me wrong I hope that he finds happiness in his life, I just dont want to be a part of it anymore.

This weekend I've tried to celebrate my singlism by doing something new and exciting. I am going karaoke tonight. Wahoo! I'm nevious! Thankfully I will have a few girl friends hanging out with me as well. Hopefully it will be worth the fear.

Wish me luck!