"I will triumph!"- Meg Ryan on movie French Kiss

After feeling the up and down emotions of leaving Daniel,his declared change, and then failing to do so. I have now done it. This morning I went to the court office and filed our divorce papers. I have signed my part and have sent the papers via snail mail to Daniel. I didn't think that I would feel this empowered, but I do. It is a rare occasion for me. I have to admit I like it. Hopefully the divorce will go threw quickly and I will no longer be stuck under Daniel's controlling thumb.

Don't get me wrong I love Daniel with all my heart and wish that things were different. I know now that for me to continue to move forward in my plan for happiness I have to take this step. It scares the dickens out of me! I have no job lined up in a couple weeks and then how will I survive?! I'm running on faith and hope that the Lord will watch over me and lead me to my next destination. Hopefully like Meg Ryan I will triumph in this trial. I will find my happy ending!

Finding Hope

I needed a reminder that spring will come. The winter (hard times) will not always fill my heart. I ache for the sun light! I can't wait for the morning to come! I hope that one day I will be as beautiful as these colorful tulips :) (with a little more endurance).

Where is my Silver Lining?

I am overwhelmed with so many things in my life right now. I am so incredibly lonely! I have 3 weeks now to find another job. In three months of diligently looking and applying I have only receive one interview. I feel so discourage!! I need some serious mo-jo to keep myself motivated and positive about myself and my capabilities.
Daniel after his freak out a couple of weeks ago has calmed down greatly. Thankfully! Though it has it's pros and cons. He is now being kind once again for the most part. Says how much he misses and loves me, which to be honest is nice to hear but I feel so torn when he does it. I feel that he is only doing those things to get some action, which unfortunately I gave in. He is saying that he doesn't want to lose me which I believe he does simply so that he doesn't have to pay alimony. I know that is awful to say or even think, but it's true. Daniel is very much financially minded he gave our kids up for adoption before Lindsey and Josh had committed to being their adopted parents. If Lindsey and Josh had decided they couldn't handle it our boys would have been state property and therefore Daniel and I wouldn't have had ANY say as to where they would go. Just to save a few hundred dollars a month. I begged him to wait, but he felt compelled to do so. Thankfully everything worked out the boys are still safe with Josh and Lindsey, but still. He did that with his kids of course he would do it with me as well. He has hurt me too many times. I'm incredibly afraid to let him back into my heart even when I'm so lonely. I just pray for guidance to make the right decision. To be able to decipher what is real and what is not with him. Help me PLEASE!

Slowly but surely...

18 pounds down.. Whoot!Whoot! Another 23 to go. It's amazing what can change when you get out of a bad relationship. Hopefully I can keep it up! It feels great!

Chopped my hair!

I did it! I bit the bullet and finally chopped my hair! Saturday morning I went to get my hair done. I needed something totally new. Something to openly signify the new me. The strong woman that I am trying to become. I am still in a bit of mirror shock and it's been a couple of days now, but I'm happy to report there has been no tears from this new adventure. I will post pics and soon as I can so you can see the new me.

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Drama...Drama....Drama....

The Drama in my life is driving me bonkers. I have been physically sick for a month now. Instead of things calming down with time they seem to increase in the intensity. I showed my therapist Kim my divorce papers asking her if I did everything right. She made a few corrections but her biggest concern was that I was not protecting myself. Daniel was getting the business and taking no responsibility for the hospital debt that should be shared. She also mentioned that I needed to ask for alimony. This scared me. I knew that if I asked for those things Daniel would freak out.
Well I chose to speak to Daniel about it before I made my decision on what to do. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. I was correct though, he FREEAAAKKKKED OUTTTT!!!!!! I have to tell you that I was shocked by his intense anger. He scared me! He said and I quote " I will F***ing put a bullet in my head if you screw me over financially as well!!" I told him that I wanted to be reasonable. I didn't want to screw him over that's why I was coming to him to discuss it. No matter what I said he didn't seem to hear me, he wouldn't calm down. He claimed that I had taken everything from him. His kids(true, if he had married someone else he probably wouldn't have had to make the choice to give up his kids), his wife(technically I physically left him, but he left our marriage long before I'd finally had enough), and now his finances.
I am so frustrated and frankly scared out of my mind. I feel like he is manipulating me, but at the same time I know Daniel and he is very impulsive. His impulsiveness has gotten him trouble more than once. I don't know what to think and I most certainly don't know what to do. I am going to the temple tomorrow and hopefully that will help. Sunday I will be fasting. Monday I'm going to an attorney for free advice. Tuesday I have another appointment with Kim hopefully by then I will be able to get enough information to make and educated decision and then go to the Lord. I hope I have the strength to make it through this massive mountain.

Is There Hope For The Future?

Right now life is crazy. I've moved out of my apartment that I lived in with Daniel for almost 2 years. After 7 years of marriage I am now living with 2 other girls; Andrea and April. The split up has been awful for me. I hate being alone, but unfortunately that is what I thought had to do to get Daniel to listen. I thought it would work. That it would open his eyes and that hopefully there could still be a future together with Daniel.
I have now been slapped in the face again! The reality that my dreams have been dashed is harsh! I feel incredibly lonely! Most of the time I can not bare to think of it. I never thought this is where I would end up. It has been one thing after another. First having to choose to give my children a better life. My sweet boys! I miss them deeply! I miss their hugs and smiling faces! I miss the I love you's! Watching them play in the bath and reading to them every night before bed. Their squeals of delight and I even miss their tantrums.(I know it seems crazy but it's true!!)I still haven't recovered from that huge loss and it has been over 2 years since I have heard them laugh. Now I'm losing/lost another. Does this one hurt more deeply...its hard to say. It is so fresh. In some ways it hurts more in others not so much. The connection you have with your children as a mother is indescribable. I will always adore Caden and Hyrum no matter what they do or don't do. Daniel has chosen his path and I chose another. I will always love Daniel and thankfully he will always be a friend. I hope that he may find true happiness. I hope he does not give up on himself.
Here I am with all those dear to me gone. What am I to do? How am I to cope? I often find myself lost in these questions. I have come to realize most people will never except and love me like I ache for them to do. I have an illness yes. So what! My illness does not define who I am. It is something I have to live with, but I am better than the world perceives me to be. My challenges are real. I fight for who I am and what I want to be everyday, with every breath of my life. I plan to continue to do just that. I have been greatly humbled by all of this. I know the only reason that I am still alive is because the Lord. He has been my strength. I pray that He will continue to stay by my side. I need Him now more than ever.