Where is my Silver Lining?

I am overwhelmed with so many things in my life right now. I am so incredibly lonely! I have 3 weeks now to find another job. In three months of diligently looking and applying I have only receive one interview. I feel so discourage!! I need some serious mo-jo to keep myself motivated and positive about myself and my capabilities.
Daniel after his freak out a couple of weeks ago has calmed down greatly. Thankfully! Though it has it's pros and cons. He is now being kind once again for the most part. Says how much he misses and loves me, which to be honest is nice to hear but I feel so torn when he does it. I feel that he is only doing those things to get some action, which unfortunately I gave in. He is saying that he doesn't want to lose me which I believe he does simply so that he doesn't have to pay alimony. I know that is awful to say or even think, but it's true. Daniel is very much financially minded he gave our kids up for adoption before Lindsey and Josh had committed to being their adopted parents. If Lindsey and Josh had decided they couldn't handle it our boys would have been state property and therefore Daniel and I wouldn't have had ANY say as to where they would go. Just to save a few hundred dollars a month. I begged him to wait, but he felt compelled to do so. Thankfully everything worked out the boys are still safe with Josh and Lindsey, but still. He did that with his kids of course he would do it with me as well. He has hurt me too many times. I'm incredibly afraid to let him back into my heart even when I'm so lonely. I just pray for guidance to make the right decision. To be able to decipher what is real and what is not with him. Help me PLEASE!