Written Aug. 6,2010

You know what I hate. I hate it when no matter what I do, no matter how I try I'm still depressed. I'm still want to end my life. I understand that I am going through an incredibly hard time right now in my life. Things just keep piling on top of each other. I go from being a mom of two boys have my husband work full time and thriving to no boys, no husband, and no job lined up after the end of this month. How the heck am I going to survive???

I'm reading good books. Trying to work on my confidence. I'm doing what my boss has suggested. I try to come up with interview answers where I wont tear up and get emotional. I hate it! I'm supposed to completely skip the past 7 years of my life. The thing is being a mom is all I've ever wanted to do, and to not put them in my "tell me a little bit about yourself" question. I feel like I'm disregarding my children all together. I just can't do that. They are my EVERYTHING!!! And yes talking about them brings tears to my eyes. Who wouldn't when they have experienced what I have?!

Alton Baby!!

So over July 24th weekend I was able to go with my new friend Rynda to her home town Alton, UT. It was so incredible. Smallest town I've ever stayed in. :) It was so fun and full of adventure. We were only there for a day and a half but we went hiking and saw indian artifacts, swimming in the reseivor (which I almost lost my shoes in the very deep thick mud! I didn't get any leeches though so that was a blessing.), and country dancing. It was a blast. I told Rynda that I wanted to move there. The weather was perfect, the air crisp, and it was so close to Zion's and what not. Totally beautiful! I didn't want to leave. Thanks Rynda for inviting me to have a weekend of fun!

Last Day at LDSE

So sad for so many reasons!!! I have officially been kicked out of my internship. I was only allowed to be in the internship for three months and my time is up. I was hoping to have a job by now. I feel quite disappointed in myself. I'm trying not to get down on myself. I have to say that I'm very frustrated with the fact that I'm going back into the DI. I am very grateful that they are working with me and I have another month to find a job, but man I feel like I'm taking a step back instead of forward. I don't know how to convince future employers that I'm worth hiring when I am not moving forward in my job now. BLAH!!!

I love working with the missionaries over here. They get all fired up about politics and what not. Their all wise and all knowing and I love having conversations with them. Plus I feel like I'm needed here. I know I've been able to help out and take care of business. It helps me to come to work and be motivated to do an excellent job when I'm needed. I love Sister Loveless! She's my favorite! She's adorable! Most of all I will miss the spirit that is here. Everyone here is here to serve and help others and that alone brings the spirit. I just wish I didn't have to go yet. I wish that I could have found a job before my time was up. Oh well no point dwelling on something that didn't happen. Time to move forward and continue looking for that job.

Silent Scream

Have you ever had those days where you just need to scream. Just let out the bent up emotions whether it's anger, fear, hate,or heartache? Well lately I have had the need to scream daily. Well I have found the cure. I've learned the silent scream. That way I can do it anywhere. I just find a room to myself or even a bathroom stall. I scream in agony. Tense up my whole body take a deep breath and scream it all out. It's silent though, no one would know I'm screaming unless they walked in on me and saw my actions. It has been a life saver these last few weeks. I can't explain what a relief it gives me. If you ever experiencing that overwhelming feeling just take a 2 minute break and scream. It's great!

The Atonement

"...The second is far more rare, nevertheless infinitly more helpful and not to mention much healthier. It is relying on the Atonment of Jesus Christ, and having full trust that His aw-inspiring Atonetment truly is able to heal us; after all, he's been there before. It takes full faith in Him and His atoning Sacrifice to know that we can fully open ourselves up again, come what may; He will be there for us to heal us just as He has promised! We can still offer our tender and loving heart to others, with the knolwedge that if once again our heart is shatered in a million pieces, He will be there to help, to comfort, and to lift. This gives me great hope, and joy. I glory in my Jesus, because of Him I can love without holding back, so people will know just how amazing I too can be:)" - Sylas Witte

This was written by a buddy of mine from work. I just wanted to post it on here so that I could look at it often. I need to remember to go to my Savior now. He understands, and I need to have the faith that He can heal ALL of my hurts.

My Story...

Yesterday my great therapist decided to have me tell my parents MY STORY. Tonight is the night and I'm terrified. First of all talk about vulnerable. Next I'm so afraid to be real with the pain of the abuse of my childhood in front of my parents. I don't want to hurt them. I can only imagine what it must be like to be in the parents position. I don't want to make it worse. At the same time I'm terrified to open those deep wounds in front of my parents who in the past have not believed the abuse ever happened.

I really am soooooooooooo nervous! Yes really I'm stressing about it that much. I have had a huge headache all day and my hands wont stay still. I want so badly for them to understand for them to believe me. I'm afraid of how/ if I will be able to cope with them treating me harshly or not believing me after I step out on this limb. I really think this will be it for me. I will try to be patient with their response and actions afterwards. Give them a little time to absorb it, but after this I will be done. I will have to move somewhere else to get the support that I need. I don't know where I will get it at this point, but I will be not putting myself in this situation again if it does not go well. I don't even know if I can handle it now let alone another time.

Wish me luck! I hope the spirit is there to testify!In the end hopefully we all come out better!

Different Perspective

Last night I got to experience another first for me... well not really but sort of. I'm sure I've seen fireworks before in my life but I dont remember, so for me going to Weber States fireworks was an adventure. It was incredible! I was like one of the kids ooohhhhh!!! and aaawwwwing!!!! Love it!

When I got home one of my roommates April was there. She asked me if I went to the fireworks as well. I of course informed her that I had. Then she went on and on for a couple of minutes on how pathetic they were. She was so incredibly disappointed. Granted she did grow up in Wyoming so I'm sure she is used to a much better show. I just sat there and let her vent. Afterwards I went to my room and just thought what a difference. We both were at the exact same fireworks and yet the experience was completely different. It reminded me that I can have the same oooohhhhhs an awwwwws in life no matter where I'm at. :)