Last Day at LDSE

So sad for so many reasons!!! I have officially been kicked out of my internship. I was only allowed to be in the internship for three months and my time is up. I was hoping to have a job by now. I feel quite disappointed in myself. I'm trying not to get down on myself. I have to say that I'm very frustrated with the fact that I'm going back into the DI. I am very grateful that they are working with me and I have another month to find a job, but man I feel like I'm taking a step back instead of forward. I don't know how to convince future employers that I'm worth hiring when I am not moving forward in my job now. BLAH!!!

I love working with the missionaries over here. They get all fired up about politics and what not. Their all wise and all knowing and I love having conversations with them. Plus I feel like I'm needed here. I know I've been able to help out and take care of business. It helps me to come to work and be motivated to do an excellent job when I'm needed. I love Sister Loveless! She's my favorite! She's adorable! Most of all I will miss the spirit that is here. Everyone here is here to serve and help others and that alone brings the spirit. I just wish I didn't have to go yet. I wish that I could have found a job before my time was up. Oh well no point dwelling on something that didn't happen. Time to move forward and continue looking for that job.

Silent Scream

Have you ever had those days where you just need to scream. Just let out the bent up emotions whether it's anger, fear, hate,or heartache? Well lately I have had the need to scream daily. Well I have found the cure. I've learned the silent scream. That way I can do it anywhere. I just find a room to myself or even a bathroom stall. I scream in agony. Tense up my whole body take a deep breath and scream it all out. It's silent though, no one would know I'm screaming unless they walked in on me and saw my actions. It has been a life saver these last few weeks. I can't explain what a relief it gives me. If you ever experiencing that overwhelming feeling just take a 2 minute break and scream. It's great!

The Atonement

"...The second is far more rare, nevertheless infinitly more helpful and not to mention much healthier. It is relying on the Atonment of Jesus Christ, and having full trust that His aw-inspiring Atonetment truly is able to heal us; after all, he's been there before. It takes full faith in Him and His atoning Sacrifice to know that we can fully open ourselves up again, come what may; He will be there for us to heal us just as He has promised! We can still offer our tender and loving heart to others, with the knolwedge that if once again our heart is shatered in a million pieces, He will be there to help, to comfort, and to lift. This gives me great hope, and joy. I glory in my Jesus, because of Him I can love without holding back, so people will know just how amazing I too can be:)" - Sylas Witte

This was written by a buddy of mine from work. I just wanted to post it on here so that I could look at it often. I need to remember to go to my Savior now. He understands, and I need to have the faith that He can heal ALL of my hurts.

My Story...

Yesterday my great therapist decided to have me tell my parents MY STORY. Tonight is the night and I'm terrified. First of all talk about vulnerable. Next I'm so afraid to be real with the pain of the abuse of my childhood in front of my parents. I don't want to hurt them. I can only imagine what it must be like to be in the parents position. I don't want to make it worse. At the same time I'm terrified to open those deep wounds in front of my parents who in the past have not believed the abuse ever happened.

I really am soooooooooooo nervous! Yes really I'm stressing about it that much. I have had a huge headache all day and my hands wont stay still. I want so badly for them to understand for them to believe me. I'm afraid of how/ if I will be able to cope with them treating me harshly or not believing me after I step out on this limb. I really think this will be it for me. I will try to be patient with their response and actions afterwards. Give them a little time to absorb it, but after this I will be done. I will have to move somewhere else to get the support that I need. I don't know where I will get it at this point, but I will be not putting myself in this situation again if it does not go well. I don't even know if I can handle it now let alone another time.

Wish me luck! I hope the spirit is there to testify!In the end hopefully we all come out better!

Different Perspective

Last night I got to experience another first for me... well not really but sort of. I'm sure I've seen fireworks before in my life but I dont remember, so for me going to Weber States fireworks was an adventure. It was incredible! I was like one of the kids ooohhhhh!!! and aaawwwwing!!!! Love it!

When I got home one of my roommates April was there. She asked me if I went to the fireworks as well. I of course informed her that I had. Then she went on and on for a couple of minutes on how pathetic they were. She was so incredibly disappointed. Granted she did grow up in Wyoming so I'm sure she is used to a much better show. I just sat there and let her vent. Afterwards I went to my room and just thought what a difference. We both were at the exact same fireworks and yet the experience was completely different. It reminded me that I can have the same oooohhhhhs an awwwwws in life no matter where I'm at. :)

All Things Work Together for Good

Last night my Dad told me about this fabulous talk given in the last General Conference. I was able to look it up today and wanted to share it with everyone. I actually remembered this talk from earlier.(Which tells you right there its an amazing talk for me to be able to remember it.)Anyways there are quite of few things in this talk that I really loved and wanted to write about. I love the example Elder Martino gives on love. He asks that simple question to mothers, "Would you ever do something that would cause pain and bring tears to your children when they have done nothing wrong?" My first thought I admit was no of course not, but that was me thinking very narrow mindedly. Then I realize as I continued reading that I was one of the many young mothers who had their children recieve shots to later protect them.

My experience as a mother has been much shorter than I wanted, but I know what it feels like to love your children. It is a different kind of love, so much sweeter than any I have ever known. In this example it helped me gain a small realization of what Heavenly Father must feel for us. It gave me a small understanding of why He lets us have struggles and trials. Even though right now it absolutely breaks my heart to have lost my boys, because of an illness I couldn't control. It is comforting to think that Heavenly Father is there with tears in His eyes wanted to hold me and take away the anguish and confusion.

Though right now I do NOT understand why or how this is going to help me in the future the Lord does. I have to hold on to His strength. Have faith and just hold on! I love the second to last sentence when Elder Martino says "He desires that we 'might have joy,' EVEN in our trails of life." I believe that. I've wanted so badly to believe that. There have been many who have tested me in this, saying this life is a test it's not to be enjoyable.....blah! blah! blah! Well thank goodness they were wrong! Our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy! That right there.... I dont know it just lightens my load!!!

Thanks Dad for having me read this wonderful talk once again! Hope you all get as much out of it as I did!


LDS.org - Liahona Article - All Things Work Together for Good

America the Beautiful!

This past Fourth of July has touched me more deeply than any I can remember from my past years. This year I actually didn't go to any parades or fireworks. Most of the time I was at home or with a friend. It gave me a lot of time to think about America and how truly blessed I really am to have been born in this country. To have men and women all over the country willing to fight for my freedom. Those from today, days past, and days to come. Thank you for your courage and strength! Most of all I thank our Heavenly Father who was given us this country and guided us along! I pray we as Americans my not take for granted the gift that we have in living in the beautiful country. That we may remember that God is whom we need to trust, maybe more now than ever before. I am grateful for the spirit that has touch me this past weekend, and I hope that I may never forget the blessings that I have been given! I love Heavenly Father! And I love my Country! God Bless America!!!

Change

Two big changes today for me. One Lindsey and Josh has decided to move to Vernal, Utah. Josh was able to get a normal day job instead of driving trucks all around the country. I'm grateful because now Lindsey will have that extra help in taking care of the boys. I'm also grateful because the boys will now have their dad around more often. For me.....well it's hard. They will be three and a half hours away. Most of the information I recieved about the boys was through my other family members who got to spend time with the Chambers. Now that will not be happening near as often. It makes them seem that much further away from me. I hate it actually. My heart is just breaking!

The second big change is Daniel signed the divorce papers today. The divorce is offically on it's way to being finalized. I am to contact the judge's assistant in a few weeks to see how close they have come to finishing the paper work. The gentleman who helped me said it would probably be complete in 2 months. We will see. It's all very scary. The unknown. Another thing that I hate. It's stressful! Now that Daniel signed the papers and he agreed to the very small alimony. He is still saying that he is going to kill himself. I hope he gets some help if he really is struggling so badly. I really dont know how I could cope with that. I know it would be his decision. Still that would be awful! I can't even think about it right now. It's all just too much. I'm praying for strength for all of us going through these changes!