My evening splrug with Bob!

Bob happened to feel ok after all his therapy treatments last night so I actually got to get out of this apt. Yeah. Well actually the night before I went by myself to Coyota Ugly Saloon took a few pictures and danced on the counter. Hehe! It was fun. But anyways, back to last night Bob to me to outback steak house... mmm yummy. the one thing that they shouldn't have done is given me that yummy bread first I was full after a few bits of my salad. dont worry though i couldn't resist that steak. Oh my gosh was it yummy. Bob wasn't all that happy about it said that if they had cooked it right I should have been able to slice it with my butter knife.I don't know dont have that much experience with it but it sure was yummy to the taste buds.

Afterwards I made Bob go to the Victoria Secret shop so that I could buy myself a decent bra. he's the only man I think i would feel comfortable going with (that I know right now) daniel always ran away from them places. Anyways, I found out I was whereing the wrong size all this time and thats why I've had so much problems with my sleeves falling down and annoying the heck out of me. Anyways I went from a size A to a whooppping size C. Wow! I have to tell you. It did make me feel a little bit better about myself. So I treated myself to two bras for the price of one. Boooya! It was a good night.

a bit of crazy

Well this week just keeps getting better. Poor gpa Bob spoiled the birthday party by being picked up by the ambulance. I missed it all cuz I was at church. Spent that night on the couch trying to not think about his girgling breathing and just be grateful that he was breathing. trying to catch a wink in between all the times he was in need of something.

I now have gone to the dentist for the first time in I don't know probably 18 years.(what do you think mom, does that sound right?) I admit I was a little nervous but mostly because I knew they I was going to be hurting even worse when I left because they were just going to poke around when i was already miserable.

Turns out I have a nasty cavity that needs to be filled and also my wisdom tooth is infected and needs to be pulled. Two more days of having my right wisdom tooth and then it's see ya later sucker. Hopefully all goes smoothly cuz two days later I'm flying to Denver so gpa bob can get his legs worked on.

Lifes just funny it-nit!

Building Your Foundation

So the last couple of weeks me and one of my roommates who used to be LDS but is lets say in her rebel stage is working on our young women personal progress. I thought it would be a great to help not only learn for myself but also hopefully help remind her and the small seed that she has in her heart.
Anyways one of the items that I've had to do was read different scriptures and tell something or journal what you had learned. We also have to read general conference talks as well but thats sticks too. :) To get to the point already today I read a talk given by Neil A Anderson in the April 2010 session. And can I tell you that I love this talk. Crying comes easy to me now, but i actually like these kinds of tears. Anyways it was talking about a young man whos father had passed away and talked about how his father would always remember your redeemer for he is your foundation. (thats not quoting thats from me trying to remember, and we all know how well that is for me.) Well there was a foot note which i read. It's in Helaman 5:12. It's amazing it just really hit me today that if we put our trust in the Lord completely that NOTHING satan throws and us can destroy us if we have the foundation.It's an amazing talk and stick which its my goal now to memorize. I just wanted to share with those few who actually look at my silly post. That I have a testimony of Christ and that if I can truly humble myself and use him more often I will be saved. (I totally feel like I need to say in the name of Jesus Christ Amen) But it's true. love ya!

Salem, Oregon

Salem Oregon my friends. Now I'm not unrealistic here so I do realize this is just one beautiful spot in Oregon, but it would be fun to hike up to that waterfall. What do you think? There are still at lot of things that has to be done before I am ready. So far my my yard sale has been a bust. Not one person has even come. I'll have to start brain storming since I haven't sold anything. Anyone got any ideas I'd love to hear them.

I am going to Salem! Just how and when is the real question. We will see what is in store.

My poor 'lucky' prius

Well the tree or should i say very large couple of branches are cleared away from my car. My Car gratefully has little damage that i can see. The only thing that i notice that kind of concerns me is the Antonia was ripped off. No radio for 14 hr. drive might be something interesting. All in all I have much to be grateful for not only did the branch not hit the electric wires(which angels must have helped with that) my car looks almost normal. Its a great lesson in life you know. We as humans (me) see this as something that may ruin everything, but the Lord knew that branch would fall. There where angels there making sure our little home and my little car was safe. Such a little thing. But pretty freaking awesome!

Change is good right?!

A lot of changes are happening right now.... well still happening right now. One as I mentioned on Facebook today I am starting school. I'm going back to be my AAS in health administration. CRAZY!!! I think my stress level just raised 10 fold. I while be going slower so that at least i hopefully don't get too overwhelmed.

Another change that is huge for me is I will be moving... yes the big news that i think all my followers know is I'm moving to Oregon. Why you might say? I say why not? I know that me staying here in Utah is just me going in circles all negative. So I'm branching out baby. How? I don't know? But I know its the right thing for me to do so hopefully something will come up soon.

I'm in contact with the Branch President and Relief Society so they are going to be looking out for me and hopefully will all the stuff I'm saleing (which is like almost everything I own) and some kind donations I will be able to make it there are survive on my own. I think it will do wonders for me if I can really do it. So here's praying!!

How do you make lemon aid when life gives you lemons if you have no water??

What logic is that. when life gives you lemons make lemonaid. Your missing a very valuable resource that no matter how much you squeeze those lemon they will still be sour. In life you need to make your own suger and water so that when those lemons come(and let me tell you i feel baried in them right now). Life definitally hasn't been a fairtale for me. I'm going a different path then what I always planned. It's hard and challanging but I've finally accepted it, at least just a little bit anyways. A lot of changes are going to be made in my life. People who have known me most their lives will one day not even be able to recognize the new person I've become. I'm learning whats MY sugar and water. Not anyone elses!!!

random pic of Corby

hospitals

well staying in the hospital for a couple weeks sure does make a girl grateful for the little things. like forks for instance do you know how hard it is to eat a salad with a fork. and i was having a salad was one of the options you could pick everyday. i think they doing it a purpose testing us. seeing how well we can handle the frustration on eating a salad with a soup spoon. i know for me i was just ready to chop that darn thing to mush then just suck it up. bet they'd get a kick out of that.
I'm also really grateful for pens. you know that write so much more fluently then those stupid little baby pencils that they give us. guess what it don't matter how long the pencil is its still poky and can do whatever damage you want it too.
the TV and all those great DVDs just sitting there mocking us with our boredom. sudoku can keep you entertained. over a grand a day they should at least give messages. now that would make me feel good real fast. but now it's all a conspiracy to make the bored pay for it. don't get me started on their flimsy tooth brushes i could brush my tongue.

anyways I'm glad to be home and safe and hope to never experience that again. 7's the charm right.

Do You Have Room? (New Christmas Song)

Am I supposed to be happy.....

A few more days and it's Christmas. Do I hear a whoot! whoot! Not from my room. Why should I be excited for something that I don't feel a part of anymore. I am the outsider waiting for permission to come see my family. I don't want to be a burden or a nuisance. I would like to be wanted to be loved. To not have to schedule a time where I am accepted to be with my friends and family.

Don't get me wrong I want my boys to have the memories of the Christmas holidays with my family. I just wish it could be different. So as I have tried to cope with the loss of my boys, and my husband this holiday I am trying to concentrate on Christ. I know that without Him I have no hope of filling in enough of the gaps torn from my heart that I may be successful as a Daughter of God.

The song "Do You Have Room?" has touched my heart greatly this Christmas season as I am trying to change my priorities so that I may have more room for the Savior in my life. That I maybe able to let Him in and heal my wounded heart. Then I will be in a place in my life where hopefully I may help others through my story. Then maybe this illness, the loss of my boys, and the crumbled relationship of my husband will some how (if possible) be worth it.

So am I happy this holiday season. The truth.....no, but I am grateful to have the hope that one day it will be different. That I will find joy once again.

Joshua 1:5-9

I have found my new favorite sticks. (at least for the moment anyways.) It is right after the great prophet Moses as died and Joshua is to take his place. God is speaking to Joshua giving him comfort. I am no Joshua, never will be. But I took great comfort in the fact that God will always be with me just like He was with Moses.

Also that I am commanded to be strong and of great courage. Right now I need to be more than ever before. The holidays are a definite downer for me. I'm trying new things to help make things a little more pleasant for me but haven't found anything yet. I need courage and strength to get out of bed these days. To go to work and face all the beautiful families Christmas shopping. The kids so excited for Santa to come and the parents making threats of if your naughty santa wont... I miss enjoying the holidays and having a reason to shop and be excited to watch the kids enthusiasium while opening their presents Christmas morning. I am commanded to have strength and courage, to do the best I can. I will try with all that I have and have faith that the Lord will help me with the rest. :)

Few things Im grateful for.

1. Rain-x and Defrost
2. Beenies
3. Chapstick
4. Icy Hot
5. Pictures
6. Sticks
7. The TRUE meaning of Christmas.
8. Happy older people
9. Ice chips
10. 5 senses

10 Things I Hate About Black Friday

1. Being at work for over 10 hrs.
2. Not getting a lunch until 9pm
3. Traffic! It took me almost an hour and a half to get home.
4. Parking! Really people be conciderate and park in between the lines.
5. Having to wait an hour in line while needed to use the restroom the whole time. (your dancing its so bad) and then when you get to the bathrooms you have to wait in Another line!
6. You usually only get half of what you wanted to get in the first place.
7. Rude customers.
8. Hello people you have been in line for an hour Have you check already written out!!
9. Yes people there are security items on valuables. Psst.... We hear you when before you even reach the doors!
10. So what happened to the Christmas Spirit!!!

Have I mentioned that I HATE roller coater rides!

Life has definitely been a roller coaster ride these last four years. I cant believe that today Caden is turning 6. its amazing what little i remember when he was born. that is the one thing that i hate the most about having those stupid treatments is forgetting so much of my little boys lives when i did have them. i imagine one day having them ask me about when they were born and when they first walked. I remember so little it breaks my heart. Especially little Hyrum. Oh how I miss them. I'm so grateful that I know they are in good hands. I wish they could feel how much I love them and cant wait for the day to see them again. I dont regret giving them a better chance at life but there isn't a day that goes by that I wish that I could have been a bigger part of that life.

So today I'm going to write about what I remember of Caden's birth so that hopefully I can continue to remember those precious few moments that I had with him. I started my labor pains at mom and dads home saturday Nov. the 6th. Daniel and I still had one more big account to clean before we were done working for the day. I dont remember if I told Daniel that I had started my contractions at this point. Anyways we went to clean a church in ogden that we cleaned weekly. It was a hard account because it was always so filthy, though it was rewarding because we could really see the results after we were finished. As we cleaned the contractions got worse and worse. I tried to deal with it myself and tried to breath calming hoping that we could finish cleaning before it got too bad. Things dont quite happen as they are planned though Caden was good to us. Daniel was able to finish cleaning while i walked around doing the breathing technics that I had practiced so faithfully. By the time Daniel finished mopping I was ready to go to the hospital. We stopped at home quickly and picked up my bags, called Dr. Ahlstrom and went to the Davis Hospital.

I dont remember much after this. I know I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't endure the pains of labor on my own and got an epidoral. Caden was having a little problem getting enough air while I was contracting and it made my Dr. nervous. I remember much but a lot of pressure and trying to push. Holding my breath so long i would get dizzy. With the help from a vacuum little Caden came out screaming. He always had good lungs. :)

I remember the shock I felt when they laid him on my stomach. He was finally here and I was scared to death. Everything that I had been reading for months now on how to care for a baby seemed to slip my mind. Eventually it worked out though. I got out of the hospital as soon as I could. Caden was healthy and I was really sore but doing well. We paid cash with Caden and didn't want to rack up any higher of a bill. Thankfully we had saved and was able to pay it off before Caden was a month old.

What an amazing day! I hope that I never forget. I may forget the details but I remember well the feelings that I had that day. I held a son of God in my arms. God was trusting me with this beautiful child. I did not want to disappoint my God and my sweet little Caden. Oh things are sooooo different from what I imagined my Caden's life to be. I miss him terribly. To know that he is still alive and out there smiling is bitter sweet. I am sooooooo grateful that the Lord gave me the strength to keep my adorable boys safe but at the same time how I wish I could hold them and kiss them. Hear them laugh and say I love you Mom!

I will never be the mom to Caden and Hyrum that I so dearly wanted to be. But I do love them with all my heart. My prayers and thoughts are always with them. I am trying so hard to become someone that they will not be embarrassed to know was their mom for a few short years. I wish them all the happiness in the world. I'm sorry I cant be there for them now. When I lay down at night I like to imagine them sleeping next to me in bed. Cuddled up with their blankets and having fabulous dreams of catching crickets, frogs, and grasshoppers. Playing in the sunlight happy and innocent. I hope that these dreams and images in my mind are a real life experience for Caden and Hyrum.

To my Caden Daniel and to my Hyrum Thomas. I love you! I love you more then I have words to express! I pray for your happiness and strength. I will never forget your smiles and your hugs. The last day that I saw you Caden I was crying as I hugged you goodbye. You asked me why I was whinning. Even when my heart was being shattered you were able to make me smile. Thank you Caden for the joy that you have brought into my life.

And sweet Hyrum when I picture you I see you as you were trying to run as fast as you could into my arms when I came to see you. Your feet were not able to run as fast as you wanted and I caught you before you fell. Oh you are precious. I am so so sad that I can not hold you and catch you now.


I love you my dear boys!

Love always,
Lacey Rae Roberts

A Roberts Again!

Well this week is the first week after seven and a half years to being a Roberts girl again. Too bad I couldn't get rid of the Roberts booty :) I have found it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride this week. I feel relieved that it is over and that I will no longer be manipulated my Daniel any longer. Dont get me wrong I hope that he finds happiness in his life, I just dont want to be a part of it anymore.

This weekend I've tried to celebrate my singlism by doing something new and exciting. I am going karaoke tonight. Wahoo! I'm nevious! Thankfully I will have a few girl friends hanging out with me as well. Hopefully it will be worth the fear.

Wish me luck!

This weekend I get to go up to Idaho and see if I fall in love with one of these adorable parti poms. I've been wanting a dog for awhile now. I thought it would be good for me. While in the hospital the Dr. told me that he suggests that I get a small pet to help give me purpose and feel needed. I can't tell you how excited I am and the idea of having a little dog to come greet me after a hard day at work. It would be so wonderful to be so loved. I just hope its close to the feeling I would get when I watch Caden and Hyrum run towards me in such excitement that their little legs almost didn't move fast enough.
I wont be bring a puppy home yet. I'm not quite ready. First off I have to move because my landlord is alergic to dogs, cats, and horses. Not that I could have a horse but that would be awesome. The puppy I'm hoping to be ready for in a couple of months or so. I've been able to get a couple of things from the DI for super cheap. In fact I got a travel kennel and I dog cage for free here because of good old DI $'s. What a blessing. Those can be incredibly expensive.
Well wish me luck! I'm leaving later today to see 5 puppies. I hope I will be able to make a decision. :)

2 weeks ugg!

It was my goal, and as hard as I tried to stay healthy enough I still went back to the hospital. The first couple of days I was furious at myself for not being strong enough to achieve my goal. I now realize that all illnesses have relaps including mine. It's ok that I had to go to the hospital. In a way it was a blessing....in a way! I am now on different meds. that hopefully will help me with time. If not I guess I'll have to go to a real phyco Dr. again to have him do his magic. I really like the Dr. I had in the hospital though I doubt that I can afford him.

Part of my continued therapy that I'm to do now that I'm out of the hospital is to get a small animal for theraputic reasons. I can totally see how this would be benifital to me. I would never be alone and I'd have someone there to love me no matter what. Plus I would be needed. Which I dont feel like thats the case right now. The only problem is that my landlord is alergic to cats and dogs. So now I have to move to be able to get that therapy/puppy I so desire. A huge problem with that is I dont have the money to pay for a deposit, a months rent, and all the stuff for a new dog. Bummer! I'm sad. What to do?!!

Written Aug. 6,2010

You know what I hate. I hate it when no matter what I do, no matter how I try I'm still depressed. I'm still want to end my life. I understand that I am going through an incredibly hard time right now in my life. Things just keep piling on top of each other. I go from being a mom of two boys have my husband work full time and thriving to no boys, no husband, and no job lined up after the end of this month. How the heck am I going to survive???

I'm reading good books. Trying to work on my confidence. I'm doing what my boss has suggested. I try to come up with interview answers where I wont tear up and get emotional. I hate it! I'm supposed to completely skip the past 7 years of my life. The thing is being a mom is all I've ever wanted to do, and to not put them in my "tell me a little bit about yourself" question. I feel like I'm disregarding my children all together. I just can't do that. They are my EVERYTHING!!! And yes talking about them brings tears to my eyes. Who wouldn't when they have experienced what I have?!

Alton Baby!!

So over July 24th weekend I was able to go with my new friend Rynda to her home town Alton, UT. It was so incredible. Smallest town I've ever stayed in. :) It was so fun and full of adventure. We were only there for a day and a half but we went hiking and saw indian artifacts, swimming in the reseivor (which I almost lost my shoes in the very deep thick mud! I didn't get any leeches though so that was a blessing.), and country dancing. It was a blast. I told Rynda that I wanted to move there. The weather was perfect, the air crisp, and it was so close to Zion's and what not. Totally beautiful! I didn't want to leave. Thanks Rynda for inviting me to have a weekend of fun!