Do You Have Room? (New Christmas Song)

Am I supposed to be happy.....

A few more days and it's Christmas. Do I hear a whoot! whoot! Not from my room. Why should I be excited for something that I don't feel a part of anymore. I am the outsider waiting for permission to come see my family. I don't want to be a burden or a nuisance. I would like to be wanted to be loved. To not have to schedule a time where I am accepted to be with my friends and family.

Don't get me wrong I want my boys to have the memories of the Christmas holidays with my family. I just wish it could be different. So as I have tried to cope with the loss of my boys, and my husband this holiday I am trying to concentrate on Christ. I know that without Him I have no hope of filling in enough of the gaps torn from my heart that I may be successful as a Daughter of God.

The song "Do You Have Room?" has touched my heart greatly this Christmas season as I am trying to change my priorities so that I may have more room for the Savior in my life. That I maybe able to let Him in and heal my wounded heart. Then I will be in a place in my life where hopefully I may help others through my story. Then maybe this illness, the loss of my boys, and the crumbled relationship of my husband will some how (if possible) be worth it.

So am I happy this holiday season. The truth.....no, but I am grateful to have the hope that one day it will be different. That I will find joy once again.

Joshua 1:5-9

I have found my new favorite sticks. (at least for the moment anyways.) It is right after the great prophet Moses as died and Joshua is to take his place. God is speaking to Joshua giving him comfort. I am no Joshua, never will be. But I took great comfort in the fact that God will always be with me just like He was with Moses.

Also that I am commanded to be strong and of great courage. Right now I need to be more than ever before. The holidays are a definite downer for me. I'm trying new things to help make things a little more pleasant for me but haven't found anything yet. I need courage and strength to get out of bed these days. To go to work and face all the beautiful families Christmas shopping. The kids so excited for Santa to come and the parents making threats of if your naughty santa wont... I miss enjoying the holidays and having a reason to shop and be excited to watch the kids enthusiasium while opening their presents Christmas morning. I am commanded to have strength and courage, to do the best I can. I will try with all that I have and have faith that the Lord will help me with the rest. :)

Few things Im grateful for.

1. Rain-x and Defrost
2. Beenies
3. Chapstick
4. Icy Hot
5. Pictures
6. Sticks
7. The TRUE meaning of Christmas.
8. Happy older people
9. Ice chips
10. 5 senses

10 Things I Hate About Black Friday

1. Being at work for over 10 hrs.
2. Not getting a lunch until 9pm
3. Traffic! It took me almost an hour and a half to get home.
4. Parking! Really people be conciderate and park in between the lines.
5. Having to wait an hour in line while needed to use the restroom the whole time. (your dancing its so bad) and then when you get to the bathrooms you have to wait in Another line!
6. You usually only get half of what you wanted to get in the first place.
7. Rude customers.
8. Hello people you have been in line for an hour Have you check already written out!!
9. Yes people there are security items on valuables. Psst.... We hear you when before you even reach the doors!
10. So what happened to the Christmas Spirit!!!

Have I mentioned that I HATE roller coater rides!

Life has definitely been a roller coaster ride these last four years. I cant believe that today Caden is turning 6. its amazing what little i remember when he was born. that is the one thing that i hate the most about having those stupid treatments is forgetting so much of my little boys lives when i did have them. i imagine one day having them ask me about when they were born and when they first walked. I remember so little it breaks my heart. Especially little Hyrum. Oh how I miss them. I'm so grateful that I know they are in good hands. I wish they could feel how much I love them and cant wait for the day to see them again. I dont regret giving them a better chance at life but there isn't a day that goes by that I wish that I could have been a bigger part of that life.

So today I'm going to write about what I remember of Caden's birth so that hopefully I can continue to remember those precious few moments that I had with him. I started my labor pains at mom and dads home saturday Nov. the 6th. Daniel and I still had one more big account to clean before we were done working for the day. I dont remember if I told Daniel that I had started my contractions at this point. Anyways we went to clean a church in ogden that we cleaned weekly. It was a hard account because it was always so filthy, though it was rewarding because we could really see the results after we were finished. As we cleaned the contractions got worse and worse. I tried to deal with it myself and tried to breath calming hoping that we could finish cleaning before it got too bad. Things dont quite happen as they are planned though Caden was good to us. Daniel was able to finish cleaning while i walked around doing the breathing technics that I had practiced so faithfully. By the time Daniel finished mopping I was ready to go to the hospital. We stopped at home quickly and picked up my bags, called Dr. Ahlstrom and went to the Davis Hospital.

I dont remember much after this. I know I was disappointed in myself that I couldn't endure the pains of labor on my own and got an epidoral. Caden was having a little problem getting enough air while I was contracting and it made my Dr. nervous. I remember much but a lot of pressure and trying to push. Holding my breath so long i would get dizzy. With the help from a vacuum little Caden came out screaming. He always had good lungs. :)

I remember the shock I felt when they laid him on my stomach. He was finally here and I was scared to death. Everything that I had been reading for months now on how to care for a baby seemed to slip my mind. Eventually it worked out though. I got out of the hospital as soon as I could. Caden was healthy and I was really sore but doing well. We paid cash with Caden and didn't want to rack up any higher of a bill. Thankfully we had saved and was able to pay it off before Caden was a month old.

What an amazing day! I hope that I never forget. I may forget the details but I remember well the feelings that I had that day. I held a son of God in my arms. God was trusting me with this beautiful child. I did not want to disappoint my God and my sweet little Caden. Oh things are sooooo different from what I imagined my Caden's life to be. I miss him terribly. To know that he is still alive and out there smiling is bitter sweet. I am sooooooo grateful that the Lord gave me the strength to keep my adorable boys safe but at the same time how I wish I could hold them and kiss them. Hear them laugh and say I love you Mom!

I will never be the mom to Caden and Hyrum that I so dearly wanted to be. But I do love them with all my heart. My prayers and thoughts are always with them. I am trying so hard to become someone that they will not be embarrassed to know was their mom for a few short years. I wish them all the happiness in the world. I'm sorry I cant be there for them now. When I lay down at night I like to imagine them sleeping next to me in bed. Cuddled up with their blankets and having fabulous dreams of catching crickets, frogs, and grasshoppers. Playing in the sunlight happy and innocent. I hope that these dreams and images in my mind are a real life experience for Caden and Hyrum.

To my Caden Daniel and to my Hyrum Thomas. I love you! I love you more then I have words to express! I pray for your happiness and strength. I will never forget your smiles and your hugs. The last day that I saw you Caden I was crying as I hugged you goodbye. You asked me why I was whinning. Even when my heart was being shattered you were able to make me smile. Thank you Caden for the joy that you have brought into my life.

And sweet Hyrum when I picture you I see you as you were trying to run as fast as you could into my arms when I came to see you. Your feet were not able to run as fast as you wanted and I caught you before you fell. Oh you are precious. I am so so sad that I can not hold you and catch you now.


I love you my dear boys!

Love always,
Lacey Rae Roberts

A Roberts Again!

Well this week is the first week after seven and a half years to being a Roberts girl again. Too bad I couldn't get rid of the Roberts booty :) I have found it's been a bit of a roller coaster ride this week. I feel relieved that it is over and that I will no longer be manipulated my Daniel any longer. Dont get me wrong I hope that he finds happiness in his life, I just dont want to be a part of it anymore.

This weekend I've tried to celebrate my singlism by doing something new and exciting. I am going karaoke tonight. Wahoo! I'm nevious! Thankfully I will have a few girl friends hanging out with me as well. Hopefully it will be worth the fear.

Wish me luck!

This weekend I get to go up to Idaho and see if I fall in love with one of these adorable parti poms. I've been wanting a dog for awhile now. I thought it would be good for me. While in the hospital the Dr. told me that he suggests that I get a small pet to help give me purpose and feel needed. I can't tell you how excited I am and the idea of having a little dog to come greet me after a hard day at work. It would be so wonderful to be so loved. I just hope its close to the feeling I would get when I watch Caden and Hyrum run towards me in such excitement that their little legs almost didn't move fast enough.
I wont be bring a puppy home yet. I'm not quite ready. First off I have to move because my landlord is alergic to dogs, cats, and horses. Not that I could have a horse but that would be awesome. The puppy I'm hoping to be ready for in a couple of months or so. I've been able to get a couple of things from the DI for super cheap. In fact I got a travel kennel and I dog cage for free here because of good old DI $'s. What a blessing. Those can be incredibly expensive.
Well wish me luck! I'm leaving later today to see 5 puppies. I hope I will be able to make a decision. :)

2 weeks ugg!

It was my goal, and as hard as I tried to stay healthy enough I still went back to the hospital. The first couple of days I was furious at myself for not being strong enough to achieve my goal. I now realize that all illnesses have relaps including mine. It's ok that I had to go to the hospital. In a way it was a blessing....in a way! I am now on different meds. that hopefully will help me with time. If not I guess I'll have to go to a real phyco Dr. again to have him do his magic. I really like the Dr. I had in the hospital though I doubt that I can afford him.

Part of my continued therapy that I'm to do now that I'm out of the hospital is to get a small animal for theraputic reasons. I can totally see how this would be benifital to me. I would never be alone and I'd have someone there to love me no matter what. Plus I would be needed. Which I dont feel like thats the case right now. The only problem is that my landlord is alergic to cats and dogs. So now I have to move to be able to get that therapy/puppy I so desire. A huge problem with that is I dont have the money to pay for a deposit, a months rent, and all the stuff for a new dog. Bummer! I'm sad. What to do?!!

Written Aug. 6,2010

You know what I hate. I hate it when no matter what I do, no matter how I try I'm still depressed. I'm still want to end my life. I understand that I am going through an incredibly hard time right now in my life. Things just keep piling on top of each other. I go from being a mom of two boys have my husband work full time and thriving to no boys, no husband, and no job lined up after the end of this month. How the heck am I going to survive???

I'm reading good books. Trying to work on my confidence. I'm doing what my boss has suggested. I try to come up with interview answers where I wont tear up and get emotional. I hate it! I'm supposed to completely skip the past 7 years of my life. The thing is being a mom is all I've ever wanted to do, and to not put them in my "tell me a little bit about yourself" question. I feel like I'm disregarding my children all together. I just can't do that. They are my EVERYTHING!!! And yes talking about them brings tears to my eyes. Who wouldn't when they have experienced what I have?!

Alton Baby!!

So over July 24th weekend I was able to go with my new friend Rynda to her home town Alton, UT. It was so incredible. Smallest town I've ever stayed in. :) It was so fun and full of adventure. We were only there for a day and a half but we went hiking and saw indian artifacts, swimming in the reseivor (which I almost lost my shoes in the very deep thick mud! I didn't get any leeches though so that was a blessing.), and country dancing. It was a blast. I told Rynda that I wanted to move there. The weather was perfect, the air crisp, and it was so close to Zion's and what not. Totally beautiful! I didn't want to leave. Thanks Rynda for inviting me to have a weekend of fun!

Last Day at LDSE

So sad for so many reasons!!! I have officially been kicked out of my internship. I was only allowed to be in the internship for three months and my time is up. I was hoping to have a job by now. I feel quite disappointed in myself. I'm trying not to get down on myself. I have to say that I'm very frustrated with the fact that I'm going back into the DI. I am very grateful that they are working with me and I have another month to find a job, but man I feel like I'm taking a step back instead of forward. I don't know how to convince future employers that I'm worth hiring when I am not moving forward in my job now. BLAH!!!

I love working with the missionaries over here. They get all fired up about politics and what not. Their all wise and all knowing and I love having conversations with them. Plus I feel like I'm needed here. I know I've been able to help out and take care of business. It helps me to come to work and be motivated to do an excellent job when I'm needed. I love Sister Loveless! She's my favorite! She's adorable! Most of all I will miss the spirit that is here. Everyone here is here to serve and help others and that alone brings the spirit. I just wish I didn't have to go yet. I wish that I could have found a job before my time was up. Oh well no point dwelling on something that didn't happen. Time to move forward and continue looking for that job.

Silent Scream

Have you ever had those days where you just need to scream. Just let out the bent up emotions whether it's anger, fear, hate,or heartache? Well lately I have had the need to scream daily. Well I have found the cure. I've learned the silent scream. That way I can do it anywhere. I just find a room to myself or even a bathroom stall. I scream in agony. Tense up my whole body take a deep breath and scream it all out. It's silent though, no one would know I'm screaming unless they walked in on me and saw my actions. It has been a life saver these last few weeks. I can't explain what a relief it gives me. If you ever experiencing that overwhelming feeling just take a 2 minute break and scream. It's great!

The Atonement

"...The second is far more rare, nevertheless infinitly more helpful and not to mention much healthier. It is relying on the Atonment of Jesus Christ, and having full trust that His aw-inspiring Atonetment truly is able to heal us; after all, he's been there before. It takes full faith in Him and His atoning Sacrifice to know that we can fully open ourselves up again, come what may; He will be there for us to heal us just as He has promised! We can still offer our tender and loving heart to others, with the knolwedge that if once again our heart is shatered in a million pieces, He will be there to help, to comfort, and to lift. This gives me great hope, and joy. I glory in my Jesus, because of Him I can love without holding back, so people will know just how amazing I too can be:)" - Sylas Witte

This was written by a buddy of mine from work. I just wanted to post it on here so that I could look at it often. I need to remember to go to my Savior now. He understands, and I need to have the faith that He can heal ALL of my hurts.

My Story...

Yesterday my great therapist decided to have me tell my parents MY STORY. Tonight is the night and I'm terrified. First of all talk about vulnerable. Next I'm so afraid to be real with the pain of the abuse of my childhood in front of my parents. I don't want to hurt them. I can only imagine what it must be like to be in the parents position. I don't want to make it worse. At the same time I'm terrified to open those deep wounds in front of my parents who in the past have not believed the abuse ever happened.

I really am soooooooooooo nervous! Yes really I'm stressing about it that much. I have had a huge headache all day and my hands wont stay still. I want so badly for them to understand for them to believe me. I'm afraid of how/ if I will be able to cope with them treating me harshly or not believing me after I step out on this limb. I really think this will be it for me. I will try to be patient with their response and actions afterwards. Give them a little time to absorb it, but after this I will be done. I will have to move somewhere else to get the support that I need. I don't know where I will get it at this point, but I will be not putting myself in this situation again if it does not go well. I don't even know if I can handle it now let alone another time.

Wish me luck! I hope the spirit is there to testify!In the end hopefully we all come out better!

Different Perspective

Last night I got to experience another first for me... well not really but sort of. I'm sure I've seen fireworks before in my life but I dont remember, so for me going to Weber States fireworks was an adventure. It was incredible! I was like one of the kids ooohhhhh!!! and aaawwwwing!!!! Love it!

When I got home one of my roommates April was there. She asked me if I went to the fireworks as well. I of course informed her that I had. Then she went on and on for a couple of minutes on how pathetic they were. She was so incredibly disappointed. Granted she did grow up in Wyoming so I'm sure she is used to a much better show. I just sat there and let her vent. Afterwards I went to my room and just thought what a difference. We both were at the exact same fireworks and yet the experience was completely different. It reminded me that I can have the same oooohhhhhs an awwwwws in life no matter where I'm at. :)

All Things Work Together for Good

Last night my Dad told me about this fabulous talk given in the last General Conference. I was able to look it up today and wanted to share it with everyone. I actually remembered this talk from earlier.(Which tells you right there its an amazing talk for me to be able to remember it.)Anyways there are quite of few things in this talk that I really loved and wanted to write about. I love the example Elder Martino gives on love. He asks that simple question to mothers, "Would you ever do something that would cause pain and bring tears to your children when they have done nothing wrong?" My first thought I admit was no of course not, but that was me thinking very narrow mindedly. Then I realize as I continued reading that I was one of the many young mothers who had their children recieve shots to later protect them.

My experience as a mother has been much shorter than I wanted, but I know what it feels like to love your children. It is a different kind of love, so much sweeter than any I have ever known. In this example it helped me gain a small realization of what Heavenly Father must feel for us. It gave me a small understanding of why He lets us have struggles and trials. Even though right now it absolutely breaks my heart to have lost my boys, because of an illness I couldn't control. It is comforting to think that Heavenly Father is there with tears in His eyes wanted to hold me and take away the anguish and confusion.

Though right now I do NOT understand why or how this is going to help me in the future the Lord does. I have to hold on to His strength. Have faith and just hold on! I love the second to last sentence when Elder Martino says "He desires that we 'might have joy,' EVEN in our trails of life." I believe that. I've wanted so badly to believe that. There have been many who have tested me in this, saying this life is a test it's not to be enjoyable.....blah! blah! blah! Well thank goodness they were wrong! Our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy! That right there.... I dont know it just lightens my load!!!

Thanks Dad for having me read this wonderful talk once again! Hope you all get as much out of it as I did!


LDS.org - Liahona Article - All Things Work Together for Good

America the Beautiful!

This past Fourth of July has touched me more deeply than any I can remember from my past years. This year I actually didn't go to any parades or fireworks. Most of the time I was at home or with a friend. It gave me a lot of time to think about America and how truly blessed I really am to have been born in this country. To have men and women all over the country willing to fight for my freedom. Those from today, days past, and days to come. Thank you for your courage and strength! Most of all I thank our Heavenly Father who was given us this country and guided us along! I pray we as Americans my not take for granted the gift that we have in living in the beautiful country. That we may remember that God is whom we need to trust, maybe more now than ever before. I am grateful for the spirit that has touch me this past weekend, and I hope that I may never forget the blessings that I have been given! I love Heavenly Father! And I love my Country! God Bless America!!!

Change

Two big changes today for me. One Lindsey and Josh has decided to move to Vernal, Utah. Josh was able to get a normal day job instead of driving trucks all around the country. I'm grateful because now Lindsey will have that extra help in taking care of the boys. I'm also grateful because the boys will now have their dad around more often. For me.....well it's hard. They will be three and a half hours away. Most of the information I recieved about the boys was through my other family members who got to spend time with the Chambers. Now that will not be happening near as often. It makes them seem that much further away from me. I hate it actually. My heart is just breaking!

The second big change is Daniel signed the divorce papers today. The divorce is offically on it's way to being finalized. I am to contact the judge's assistant in a few weeks to see how close they have come to finishing the paper work. The gentleman who helped me said it would probably be complete in 2 months. We will see. It's all very scary. The unknown. Another thing that I hate. It's stressful! Now that Daniel signed the papers and he agreed to the very small alimony. He is still saying that he is going to kill himself. I hope he gets some help if he really is struggling so badly. I really dont know how I could cope with that. I know it would be his decision. Still that would be awful! I can't even think about it right now. It's all just too much. I'm praying for strength for all of us going through these changes!

"I will triumph!"- Meg Ryan on movie French Kiss

After feeling the up and down emotions of leaving Daniel,his declared change, and then failing to do so. I have now done it. This morning I went to the court office and filed our divorce papers. I have signed my part and have sent the papers via snail mail to Daniel. I didn't think that I would feel this empowered, but I do. It is a rare occasion for me. I have to admit I like it. Hopefully the divorce will go threw quickly and I will no longer be stuck under Daniel's controlling thumb.

Don't get me wrong I love Daniel with all my heart and wish that things were different. I know now that for me to continue to move forward in my plan for happiness I have to take this step. It scares the dickens out of me! I have no job lined up in a couple weeks and then how will I survive?! I'm running on faith and hope that the Lord will watch over me and lead me to my next destination. Hopefully like Meg Ryan I will triumph in this trial. I will find my happy ending!

Finding Hope

I needed a reminder that spring will come. The winter (hard times) will not always fill my heart. I ache for the sun light! I can't wait for the morning to come! I hope that one day I will be as beautiful as these colorful tulips :) (with a little more endurance).

Where is my Silver Lining?

I am overwhelmed with so many things in my life right now. I am so incredibly lonely! I have 3 weeks now to find another job. In three months of diligently looking and applying I have only receive one interview. I feel so discourage!! I need some serious mo-jo to keep myself motivated and positive about myself and my capabilities.
Daniel after his freak out a couple of weeks ago has calmed down greatly. Thankfully! Though it has it's pros and cons. He is now being kind once again for the most part. Says how much he misses and loves me, which to be honest is nice to hear but I feel so torn when he does it. I feel that he is only doing those things to get some action, which unfortunately I gave in. He is saying that he doesn't want to lose me which I believe he does simply so that he doesn't have to pay alimony. I know that is awful to say or even think, but it's true. Daniel is very much financially minded he gave our kids up for adoption before Lindsey and Josh had committed to being their adopted parents. If Lindsey and Josh had decided they couldn't handle it our boys would have been state property and therefore Daniel and I wouldn't have had ANY say as to where they would go. Just to save a few hundred dollars a month. I begged him to wait, but he felt compelled to do so. Thankfully everything worked out the boys are still safe with Josh and Lindsey, but still. He did that with his kids of course he would do it with me as well. He has hurt me too many times. I'm incredibly afraid to let him back into my heart even when I'm so lonely. I just pray for guidance to make the right decision. To be able to decipher what is real and what is not with him. Help me PLEASE!

Slowly but surely...

18 pounds down.. Whoot!Whoot! Another 23 to go. It's amazing what can change when you get out of a bad relationship. Hopefully I can keep it up! It feels great!

Chopped my hair!

I did it! I bit the bullet and finally chopped my hair! Saturday morning I went to get my hair done. I needed something totally new. Something to openly signify the new me. The strong woman that I am trying to become. I am still in a bit of mirror shock and it's been a couple of days now, but I'm happy to report there has been no tears from this new adventure. I will post pics and soon as I can so you can see the new me.

Listen to gabrial2@yahoo.coms Playlist

Drama...Drama....Drama....

The Drama in my life is driving me bonkers. I have been physically sick for a month now. Instead of things calming down with time they seem to increase in the intensity. I showed my therapist Kim my divorce papers asking her if I did everything right. She made a few corrections but her biggest concern was that I was not protecting myself. Daniel was getting the business and taking no responsibility for the hospital debt that should be shared. She also mentioned that I needed to ask for alimony. This scared me. I knew that if I asked for those things Daniel would freak out.
Well I chose to speak to Daniel about it before I made my decision on what to do. I don't know if that was a good idea or not. I was correct though, he FREEAAAKKKKED OUTTTT!!!!!! I have to tell you that I was shocked by his intense anger. He scared me! He said and I quote " I will F***ing put a bullet in my head if you screw me over financially as well!!" I told him that I wanted to be reasonable. I didn't want to screw him over that's why I was coming to him to discuss it. No matter what I said he didn't seem to hear me, he wouldn't calm down. He claimed that I had taken everything from him. His kids(true, if he had married someone else he probably wouldn't have had to make the choice to give up his kids), his wife(technically I physically left him, but he left our marriage long before I'd finally had enough), and now his finances.
I am so frustrated and frankly scared out of my mind. I feel like he is manipulating me, but at the same time I know Daniel and he is very impulsive. His impulsiveness has gotten him trouble more than once. I don't know what to think and I most certainly don't know what to do. I am going to the temple tomorrow and hopefully that will help. Sunday I will be fasting. Monday I'm going to an attorney for free advice. Tuesday I have another appointment with Kim hopefully by then I will be able to get enough information to make and educated decision and then go to the Lord. I hope I have the strength to make it through this massive mountain.

Is There Hope For The Future?

Right now life is crazy. I've moved out of my apartment that I lived in with Daniel for almost 2 years. After 7 years of marriage I am now living with 2 other girls; Andrea and April. The split up has been awful for me. I hate being alone, but unfortunately that is what I thought had to do to get Daniel to listen. I thought it would work. That it would open his eyes and that hopefully there could still be a future together with Daniel.
I have now been slapped in the face again! The reality that my dreams have been dashed is harsh! I feel incredibly lonely! Most of the time I can not bare to think of it. I never thought this is where I would end up. It has been one thing after another. First having to choose to give my children a better life. My sweet boys! I miss them deeply! I miss their hugs and smiling faces! I miss the I love you's! Watching them play in the bath and reading to them every night before bed. Their squeals of delight and I even miss their tantrums.(I know it seems crazy but it's true!!)I still haven't recovered from that huge loss and it has been over 2 years since I have heard them laugh. Now I'm losing/lost another. Does this one hurt more deeply...its hard to say. It is so fresh. In some ways it hurts more in others not so much. The connection you have with your children as a mother is indescribable. I will always adore Caden and Hyrum no matter what they do or don't do. Daniel has chosen his path and I chose another. I will always love Daniel and thankfully he will always be a friend. I hope that he may find true happiness. I hope he does not give up on himself.
Here I am with all those dear to me gone. What am I to do? How am I to cope? I often find myself lost in these questions. I have come to realize most people will never except and love me like I ache for them to do. I have an illness yes. So what! My illness does not define who I am. It is something I have to live with, but I am better than the world perceives me to be. My challenges are real. I fight for who I am and what I want to be everyday, with every breath of my life. I plan to continue to do just that. I have been greatly humbled by all of this. I know the only reason that I am still alive is because the Lord. He has been my strength. I pray that He will continue to stay by my side. I need Him now more than ever.